When families change and move on
It’s natural for there to be some initial problems when parents separate and move on. It’s a time when a child can feel very confused and vulnerable. So it’s very important for everyone – parents, grandparents, and any new partners involved – to do everything they can to protect the child.
When families change and move on, there are three main kinds of problem:
- those to do with contact between a child and their parent
- those which are more to do with a child’s living arrangements
- the emotional distress felt by children and parents.
What are the issues to do with a child’s living arrangements?
How can you look after the emotional needs of children at this difficult time?
What are contact issues?
Contact issues are when a parent (or grandparent) no longer sees, or has trouble maintaining contact with, their child.
Contact issues can occur for all sorts of reasons. For example:
- after parents separate, one or other of them may move away
- one may start a new family, or have a new partner move in
- in the worst cases, a parent may withhold contact from their ex, a child’s grandparents or other family members
- an absent parent may give up trying to keep in contact.
The evidence is clear though: in almost every situation, it’s in the child’s best interests to maintain contact with both their parents – and their grandparents too. Having a healthy relationship with both mum and dad is very important for their emotional wellbeing.
What are the issues to do with a child’s living arrangements?
Some children may have to move to a new area, so that they lose their familiar school and friends.
When a mum or dad’s new partner moves in, it can throw up a number of problems that children find hard to handle:
They may:
- struggle due to a sense of loyalty to the parent who no longer lives there
- feel their role at home is being threatened
- have problems with how the new adult approaches family life and parenting.
How can you look after the emotional needs of children at this difficult time?
Many of these stresses can potentially affect a child’s:
- emotional health
- family relationships
- friendships
- progress at school.
So it’s important to give your child plenty of support by talking to them, and listening to what they have to say.
Although it’s something that no one likes to think about, there is also a chance that your child is put at risk as a result of a new relationship. So it’s important to take things slowly and be absolutely sure of the right way to move on. After all, your child’s emotional and physical wellbeing should be your first concern.
Our advice for mums and dads
If your family is moving on, you can help to protect your child and support them with the following tips.
Keep talking
Although it’s hard, talk to your ex if you can. The more you communicate healthily, the easier things will be. You will have a better idea of how you are both feeling. And you’ll show your child that you can still work together.
Listen, and show you’re listening
Put your child first whenever possible – talk to them and listen to what they have to say. Make sure they understand that the changes in their life are not their “fault”. You need to move on, but be sensitive to your child’s needs too.
Show your child that you’re still a team
Show your child that, even though you are no longer together, you can still be a great parenting team with your ex. If they see you moving on in a healthy way, they will feel more able to do the same.
Don’t put your ex down
Don’t make your child choose – you can only hurt them by criticising their other parent or talking about the problems with your relationship. Instead, reassure them that you are both still their parents, that you both care and will always want the best for them.
Give them structure
Try to find a routine that works for all of you – the more normal things can feel, day-to-day, the easier it will be. Children cope best when they know what to expect, so things like regular family mealtimes, or a regular time to see an absent parent can work wonders. With a bit of conversation and compromise, everyone can play a part in creating a structure that works.
Give it time
It can take a while for everyone to adjust to how things are now. So if your partner has recently moved in, or you are thinking of taking this step, take it slowly. Let your new partner know your rules – it’s your family, so they should take your lead. Introduce them gradually into family life, so you can be sure that your child is safe and happy. It is best to take a back seat on any discipline matters until they have a good relationship in place with the child.
If your child is living with your ex’s new partner, it’s normal to feel concerned.
You may not know much about them or their style of parenting. That doesn’t mean they are necessarily bad for your child. Give them some space to adjust.
Your child has the right to be happy
All the research shows that an ongoing relationship with both parents is best for a child. A healthy bond with grandparents is also important. So if you are having trouble maintaining contact, or are very concerned about their safety or emotional wellbeing, fight for your child’s right to be happy.
You can speak to professionals for support, and there are mediation services to help you all manage the tougher moments. It’s not always easy to cope with changes to your family. But it is important to always put your child’s emotional and physical wellbeing first.
Further help and support
Try one of the following organisations for more advice and in-depth support about any of the issues above.
NSPCC Helpline
If you are concerned about contact issues between a child and their parent, or a child’s living arrangements, call the free NSPCC Helpline. You’ll be able to talk to a trained advisor about any worries you have. They can help decide if any action is necessary.
Tel: 0808 800 5000
Parentline Plus
Offers help and support services – shaped by parents for parents. You can call their helpline for free, 24 hours a day.
Tel: 0808 800 2222.
Families Need Fathers
If you’re a dad with a separation or contact issue, call Families Need Fathers any time between 6pm and 10pm, Monday to Friday.
Tel: 0300 0300 363
Relate
Offers relationship advice, counselling and mediation. Call their booking line to find out more about what’s available, and the charges for their services.
Tel: 0300 100 1234
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Worried about a child?
You may be their only hope. Call the NSPCC Helpline now on 0808 800 5000
